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  • Writer's pictureAlex G. Zarate

Shy Beginnings

How my shyness began, how I tried to overcome it and where I am today

I spent most of my childhood, stressed and worried about any and all interactions. I remember at a young age, trying to make friends but failing at every turn. Either the kids I met would ignore me or use my insecurity as a way to shower me with insults. After a few years, I had few friends and no desire to seek more.


While in junior high school, a short story I wrote won a prize and I had to read it in front of class. I stuttered my way through it, feeling intense warmth on my face as each sentence went on, making me fight the urge to run away as every moment stretched out forever. I would fear looking out into the crowd of many faces for years, determined not to leave my world of solitude.



A small victory was attained when I was in high school. Everyone in class had to take turns reading a page from our assigned book. When my turn came up, the teacher told everyone not to make fun of me too much because I was not good at reading and had no confidence. His comment resulted in a brief bout of laughter. It was bad enough to have other kids make fun of me but this was a teacher. My usual quiet demeanor was replaced with anger. I stood up, read the page with force, enunciating each word with intention and taking my seat afterwards without an upwards glance. I remember hearing the teacher say “That was impressive.” I didn’t reply. I kept my head buried in my book, unwilling to look up as the rest of the class took turns, reading with less clarity and little emotion.


As high school and college ended, I began working, often in an office and other times in cubicles. Before long, I learned enough to be tasked with making a presentation for my fellow employees. The old nervousness came back and I found myself preparing for my meeting with a handheld slide remote and a paralyzing fear of being mocked by fellow employees. A good friend advised me to look up the methods professional speakers have for addressing crowds. I did. A trick I found was to focus on one person while speaking. Another was to watch your tone and avoid speaking too loud or too soft. Another gem was to try and speak in a conversational tone.

As the presentation began, I was asked a question and found myself answering quickly as if I were an auctioneer. My words were fast and obviously nervous. I immediately stopped, looked directly at the person who had asked me and cleared my throat, proceeding again and talking to them directly, as if we were the only two in the room. I did this for the next question and every question that followed. Despite being nervous and way out of my comfort zone, my planning worked. I managed to get through the presentation and was grateful to have ended without another stuttering mistake. It was also nice to know, if push came to shove, I could accomplish things that seemed impossible.



Then came the day when social media went from a means of connecting online with friends to a tool used for sharing creative works, promoting ideas and connecting to the world. By this point, I had taken up photography and had begun my writing journey. Sharing pictures of myself turned into a game of reducing my image to a shadow so as to avoid seeing what I looked like. I liked sharing landscapes but was not interested in being on the other side of a camera.



When I decided to create a vlog, I created a comic version of myself. I drew panels with written words and background music. I had been a cartoonist for a while and this skill allowed me to remain silent while sharing my thoughts and humor. This went on for months until time became a factor and I had to stop. I posted many videos and enjoyed creating every post, drawing every comic and seeking the lighter side of creative challenges.



Then the time came when I had a tidal wave of terrible events. I was evicted, faced a personal tragedy, a painful break up, my car was totaled and I got a major health scare in a short amount of time. Basically, a slew of nightmares came true all at once. As I started bringing my life back on track, it occurred to me that speaking into a microphone no longer felt like a concern. I realized I had become a ghost in the world, sharing my creations from the shadows. I wrote books without promotion. I posted on social media without groups and shared images without hashtags for others to find.


I decided then and there to find ways I could actively share my creations. I knew it would take time before I felt confident enough to talk about my books but I could start small. I began my podcast, joined Facebook groups and began posting daily Instagram pictures I captured, sharing words of encouragement to the world. I also moved out from behind the camera and began taking pictures of myself. Some with a tripod, some with a selfie stick and others at the hands of close friends.



I planned to attend a few writer’s groups and conferences this last year but, as the world came to a stop, this plan fell through. However, my podcast continued and I even managed to make connections. I got interviewed, took part in zoom meetings, joined video chats and contributed to an online literature conference. LitCon. The scifi/fantasy worldbuilding discussion I took part in was one of my favorites. I’ll include the link below.

As my journey continues, I realize there is always a need to share the passions we feel and the creations we produce. It is also important to put aside the fears from our youth. Everyone in the world has doubts and worries. Some are about how we speak. Others are about what we look like or the ideas we have. Whether we meet in person or from a distance, we are all connected across the miles. Regardless of life’s struggles, we must move past every obstacle and find ways to share our best hopes and greatest dreams with each other and the world.


Link to LitCon discussion I took part is is HERE

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